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UnKn0wN SoLd|3r: t|s Is mY St0rY...
The time to quit will also arrive for me, but today's not that day - Del Piero
15 May 2009 @ 03:39 pm
In about a week's time, it will be two months since I was summarily dismissed by Power Seraya. In that time and I still am doing some soul searching, trying to find where I had gone wrong and more importantly secure new employment. I have to admit it was tough in the beginning to take in the reality of situation. Frankly I am a little surprised that I am taking it all resonably well considering the magnitude it. Again I have to thank my former colleagues, for easing me into the new reality. As always, the one I called 'Colonel', a man who was a father and a elder brother rolled into one, and my other other close colleagues like Yasin, Juraimi, Jamil and Hand, gave their fair share of important words of advice. I really miss them a lot. They were truly nice people to work with. In the process of soul searching, I did decide to borrow some books on career advancement and resume writting. From reading those books and the advice that people had been giving me, I realised that they were right when they said I let my emotions get in the way of things. My temperament had caused me to cast aside my work and prevented me from making the best of whatever I had in terms of the opportunities. Indeed it is a bitter pill to swallow but I always know all is not lost. I did save some money before I was sacked, so I still have funds to tie me down for the next few months. During one of the dates I had with CuteGirl, I found a Italian football magazine, Calcio Italia, which did an interview with my footballing idol, Alessandro Del Piero. Of course I bought it, eventhough my girlfriend advised against it so that I could save my money. I have always admired Del Piero because of his determination. It reflected in his attempt to become the football player that he was after he broke his leg. It took a while for him to find his form again but he did come back in spectacular fashion. The way he looked when he is plying his trade says his all about his determination. And the words he said in the magazine interview was timely and inspirational. " The time to quit will come for me, but today is not that day' He obviously shares the same kind kind of determination that I have and I remember his words from time to time so that I can keep going. For all the gung-ho that I display, I need those words because at the end of the day I am at the mercy of Allah's will. In a job interview that I went a week ago, I suddenly realised that. At best I could only do what was humanly possible, the outcome up to Allah. But it does not shake my faith in Allah, it still remains strong within my heart and mind. I do not have any doubts that I will find a job. It is only a matter of time. As always, patience is the key word.
Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplative25 March 2009 @ 04:08 pm
To this date, this is the most difficult post to write in my life. Even after two days, I find myself struggling to type these words. After going through the hell of Army and every other obstacles and challenges that life has thrown at me, what happened to me on Monday has the magnitude to change my life. Thankfully it was not anything that would get me into trouble with the law.
On Monday, despite the typical blues associated with the first working day of the week, I managed to drag myself out of bed and even got to board the first company-chartered bus to work. Earlier on, last Friday actually one of the HR executives was looking for me. Apparently it was urgent enough to warrant one of my engineers to call me at home. I was sick on that day so I decided to take a day of sick leave. I had been fighting a flu that were accompanied by a cough and running nose for more than a week. It was annoying that I was sick again after I had battled a week long fever that almost got me and my mom thinking I got Dengue Fever. Again, Alhamdullilah, it was not that but URTI, something recruits used to commonly get when they just enlisted into the Army and sent to Tekong for their BMT. That annoyed me even further when the Doctor at the Changi Hospital A&E told me it was actually URTI. I was supposed to be immuned to such viruses. It seemed ironic when I was in the Army, getting a fever was like trying to strike the lottery. Nowadays, getting the flu or fever seems unlike the odd occurence it should be. My GP told me that I looked like someone who kept long hours and was in a lot of stress, when I came to his clinic on that Friday.
So when Monday arrived, I was eager to come to work because I thought the HR exec was searching for me so that I could sign the contract extension. I even left a voicemail at her extention so that she knew where to look for me. My engineer called me soon after to inform that she had arranged a meeting for me that morning. When I came to the Management Centre, everyone was in a cheery mood as always. When I did caught up with her, she asked me to wait while she readied some documents. At that moment, I saw two security personnel entering the place. I did not think too much of it. In a meeting room beside the visitor waiting area, it look like a big meeting was going to take place so it was definitely not the place where I would be heading for my contract discussions. Not long later, the HR exec actually directed me to the meeting room and I was surprised to see my AVP Utilities, Asset Manager, and another unfamiliar lady. My AVP was quick to notice that I did not recognise her and promptly introduced her. We shook hands as I introduced myself which was a little oxymoron because I have gained a level of notoriety at my company. Once everyoine was properly seated, my AVP broke the news. He said that the company would not be extending my contract. It was ironic that I was hired in the very same room and it turned out that I would be sacked at eaxactly the same place.
At that point I could almost imagine the expression on my face changing instantaneously, from one of cheerfulness to that of anger and shock. My mind was already thinking of how I would overcome this setback eventhough I was obviously losing my head. To add salt to injury, it was not even a one-month notice but an immediate termination. Hence, I had to leave the place asap and that is where my security escort came into play. I felt like a convict because they had to follow everywhere I went. The feeling of humiliation did not weigh in too much as I was already fuming. After signing the relavent documents, my AVP asked if I had anything to say. Considering the situation, I really could not think of anything to say because there was really no point. They wished me luck and shook my hand like it was nothing. I stormed out of the room trying to be professional and not be emotional. I did not bother to wait for anyone. It was already very clear to me that I need to clear out the place.
We went through the motion of checking out all my stuff and returning my passes and keys. At one point, one of my favourite colleagues, bid farewell to me. He looked like he was stiffling his tears and I went over to his cubicle to shake his hands again. After he offered a hug, it was already too much for me to hold back and I just cried. He kept saying to me to keep the momentum going. I wanted to let it out earlier on but I just held it back. A few goodbyes with some of my favourite colleagues later, I was in a cab on my way back home. I called Farhanah to tell what happened. She shared my grief and cried too.
Now here I am typing these words at ironically at starbucks, the company that forced me to resigned more than two years ago. From the way I describe my experience, the memory is still fresh in my mind. I try not to dwell on it because it would just make me more depressed. Alhamdullilah, it seems that I cannot even dwell on it even if I want to, let alone shed a few more tears. Perhaps, it is because now I have Farhanah's support and I still have enough money to keep me afloat for at least two or three months while I find a new job.
My experience at PowerSeraya has taught many life lessons. It has definitely demonstrated the human capacity to do things that I can only see on tv or movies. The adage about anything is possible in this world certainly has a lot of truth. In a silent and unseen way, one can still get disenfranchised and discrimated. The experience has also taught me that leadership is a virtue that only a priviledged few know of and have the knowledge of what it actually means. At this point I do not see any point in describing the situation any further because I would just be repeating myself. However I will bring this matter up to the proper authorities. Being a Muslim, I am only required to do what is humanly possible and I have already did but apparently Allah has other plans. I have faith that Allah has something good in store for me. I also have faith that Allah will pass on the fairest judgement to those who have done wrong. I believe it is one they will never forget anytime soon. I know life is not fair but Allah is fair. My time to quit will come, but not today. The only time that I quit is when I do not have any breath in my body. Who ever said I was ever defeated? I am never defeated only just beaten.
On Monday, despite the typical blues associated with the first working day of the week, I managed to drag myself out of bed and even got to board the first company-chartered bus to work. Earlier on, last Friday actually one of the HR executives was looking for me. Apparently it was urgent enough to warrant one of my engineers to call me at home. I was sick on that day so I decided to take a day of sick leave. I had been fighting a flu that were accompanied by a cough and running nose for more than a week. It was annoying that I was sick again after I had battled a week long fever that almost got me and my mom thinking I got Dengue Fever. Again, Alhamdullilah, it was not that but URTI, something recruits used to commonly get when they just enlisted into the Army and sent to Tekong for their BMT. That annoyed me even further when the Doctor at the Changi Hospital A&E told me it was actually URTI. I was supposed to be immuned to such viruses. It seemed ironic when I was in the Army, getting a fever was like trying to strike the lottery. Nowadays, getting the flu or fever seems unlike the odd occurence it should be. My GP told me that I looked like someone who kept long hours and was in a lot of stress, when I came to his clinic on that Friday.
So when Monday arrived, I was eager to come to work because I thought the HR exec was searching for me so that I could sign the contract extension. I even left a voicemail at her extention so that she knew where to look for me. My engineer called me soon after to inform that she had arranged a meeting for me that morning. When I came to the Management Centre, everyone was in a cheery mood as always. When I did caught up with her, she asked me to wait while she readied some documents. At that moment, I saw two security personnel entering the place. I did not think too much of it. In a meeting room beside the visitor waiting area, it look like a big meeting was going to take place so it was definitely not the place where I would be heading for my contract discussions. Not long later, the HR exec actually directed me to the meeting room and I was surprised to see my AVP Utilities, Asset Manager, and another unfamiliar lady. My AVP was quick to notice that I did not recognise her and promptly introduced her. We shook hands as I introduced myself which was a little oxymoron because I have gained a level of notoriety at my company. Once everyoine was properly seated, my AVP broke the news. He said that the company would not be extending my contract. It was ironic that I was hired in the very same room and it turned out that I would be sacked at eaxactly the same place.
At that point I could almost imagine the expression on my face changing instantaneously, from one of cheerfulness to that of anger and shock. My mind was already thinking of how I would overcome this setback eventhough I was obviously losing my head. To add salt to injury, it was not even a one-month notice but an immediate termination. Hence, I had to leave the place asap and that is where my security escort came into play. I felt like a convict because they had to follow everywhere I went. The feeling of humiliation did not weigh in too much as I was already fuming. After signing the relavent documents, my AVP asked if I had anything to say. Considering the situation, I really could not think of anything to say because there was really no point. They wished me luck and shook my hand like it was nothing. I stormed out of the room trying to be professional and not be emotional. I did not bother to wait for anyone. It was already very clear to me that I need to clear out the place.
We went through the motion of checking out all my stuff and returning my passes and keys. At one point, one of my favourite colleagues, bid farewell to me. He looked like he was stiffling his tears and I went over to his cubicle to shake his hands again. After he offered a hug, it was already too much for me to hold back and I just cried. He kept saying to me to keep the momentum going. I wanted to let it out earlier on but I just held it back. A few goodbyes with some of my favourite colleagues later, I was in a cab on my way back home. I called Farhanah to tell what happened. She shared my grief and cried too.
Now here I am typing these words at ironically at starbucks, the company that forced me to resigned more than two years ago. From the way I describe my experience, the memory is still fresh in my mind. I try not to dwell on it because it would just make me more depressed. Alhamdullilah, it seems that I cannot even dwell on it even if I want to, let alone shed a few more tears. Perhaps, it is because now I have Farhanah's support and I still have enough money to keep me afloat for at least two or three months while I find a new job.
My experience at PowerSeraya has taught many life lessons. It has definitely demonstrated the human capacity to do things that I can only see on tv or movies. The adage about anything is possible in this world certainly has a lot of truth. In a silent and unseen way, one can still get disenfranchised and discrimated. The experience has also taught me that leadership is a virtue that only a priviledged few know of and have the knowledge of what it actually means. At this point I do not see any point in describing the situation any further because I would just be repeating myself. However I will bring this matter up to the proper authorities. Being a Muslim, I am only required to do what is humanly possible and I have already did but apparently Allah has other plans. I have faith that Allah has something good in store for me. I also have faith that Allah will pass on the fairest judgement to those who have done wrong. I believe it is one they will never forget anytime soon. I know life is not fair but Allah is fair. My time to quit will come, but not today. The only time that I quit is when I do not have any breath in my body. Who ever said I was ever defeated? I am never defeated only just beaten.
Current Mood: 
depressed
depressed09 March 2009 @ 02:45 pm
Today probably marks the last day I work for this God-Forsaken department. Tomorrow I will begin my training as a personnel in the operational side of things. I actually feel a little bit sad. I really cannot help but think about how I got employed into this company. As always, phrases like 'full of potential' are always linked to me every time I am employed into a new company or get into something new. I seriously do not know why my potential employers or future superiors always use such words or phrases with me. My grades or aptitude are at best always very minimal or even elementary. To say the least it just plain sucks. So why on earth do these people keep using those words? I guess only Allah knows. As the script goes, those nice little words would slowly become the opposite when my bosses know how much I suck. I am not looking down on myself. It seems to be the pattern every time, from the time I was Army, till today. I have often mentioned to my would be superiors or employers that they should not put too much hope in me. I have made it clear to them what I can do and what I cannot do. Maybe I am just a convenient scapegoat these people like to use when things go wrong. It does not help when I have this habit of not speaking out when I need to. Look, when you spend two years listening to orders without question, it becomes a 'little' difficult to break the habit even if you work in an environment where insubordination does not exists. Honestly right now I feel like a loser, because try as I might, the stupid bitch refuses to see the work I do. So here I am typing these words. My transfer paperwork has yet to go through HR or I do not know where the hell it is stuck at. The funny thing is my training program is already in but the black and white for my transfer remains in question. I am beginning to sound like a refugee. Irregardless of whom is responsible for influencing the chain of events that eventually lead me here, I have to concede that they have succeeded. That of course does not mean I am defeated. I am never defeated.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative20 February 2009 @ 12:51 pm
It came as a relieve to me when my manager asked if I wanted to work in another department in my company. The story was he actually asked one, a few or all the other managers at my workplace if they wanted me. I cannot beat the fact that he did 'fought' for me by doing so because other I would be out of a job in a few months. It was nice to know that at least one of the managers did want me in their department, but of course that was only a half-truth. I did a check with one of my engineers in my department whom I was close with and he told me a different story. It was true that my SVP did decide to grant me another chance, even if my contract would only be extended for another year. What I did not know was that actually NONE of managers express any interest to include me in their department. I was offered the postion because another department or section will be set-up in the near future. My manager, out of his goodwill (or not), suggested I be part of its manpower. Of course at that point, my stupid ass bitch of a team leader objected. But after some serious discussion (one can only guess what happened at that point), my SVP decided to give me that one LAST opportunity to prove my worth. As I have said earlier, my manager deserve some credit for considering the situation I would be if I was out of a job. But I did not appreciate the way he reacted when I gave a TWO thumbs up to agree to my transfer. He thought I was trying to fool around and that just spoilt my morning (a monday morning at that). Still a job is always better than no job and a job in another department is better than a job in my current section, even if NO one really wanted me to stay. It is one of those rare instances where I actually did not like the truth. It just made me wish that I should have done better in polytechnic so I would have better staying power in my company or be working in another company with a better working environment. Or even better still, be an engineer instead of a powerless technical officer. I have always hated being a loser and at this moment I cannot help but feel like one.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative03 February 2009 @ 09:26 am
I always find it interesting to really think about how I end up in the situation that I am in. How I perceive life to be has changed dramatically in the past few years. About a year ago, the big question in my mind was when I would meet my life partner. Thankfully, I did meet her not long later. As always that is not the end of it, because 'happily ever after' never exists in real life. As of now the big question in my mind is if I will be gainfully employed after April, because that is when my contract with my current company ends. To brace myself for the possibility of not being employed my company, I did do some job hunting for quite a while, in fact it began as early as September of last year. Considering the current world financial situation, I think finding a new employer would be a challenge in itself. My professional relationship with my boss has become very uncomfortable, to say the least. I guess right now my Asset Manager and Team Leader are counting the days to my eventual departure. When I was in the Army, my 'ORD' date was eagerly awaited but at this present time my contract expiry date has become an unwanted 'ORD' date. Perhaps I was never fated to be with this company after all. When I met Farhanah, I knew the payback would come as a sacrifice, like when I was seemingly 'cured' of the growth in my neck a long time ago. That time I lost Ida, this time it may be my job. All things considered it is a sacrifice I am willing to make because Farhanah is the answer to my prayers. I had waited for as long as I can remember until she came into my life. Indeed, it was a long journey. I think people who are close to me know how difficult it was. All things considered, if I lose my job, it is worth it. Up to this point, I would dare say I never had the displeasure of serving such incompetent leadership. I seriously feel it such a waste that it is the case in PowerSeraya especially when my experience with most of my colleagues (minus those in my section and department) had been a wonderful one. I do not expect a perfect workplace with perfect bosses and colleagues, but I do expect bosses who can value and respect me. It did not matter if PowerSeraya was one-tenth of its size and my pay was $500 lesser. Again I would like to say, all that matter is having a boss who is a good leader. Perhaps that is an ideal world situation and real world was never an ideal place to begin with.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative29 December 2008 @ 12:37 pm
As I listened to what my physiotherapist said earlier, I can't help but feel that my shoulder was still far from being fully healed. It was already annoying that I had to repeat what I had told the previous Therapist who took on my case before I was discharged, presumably that I would be OK in six months time. That never happened unfortunately. Any situation relating to my injury was not turning out too fine to say the least. Fundamentally, my shoulder is not in a bad condition but it is far from being in a condition I can once again do any pull-ups, push-ups, or carrying weights, until I strengthened the torn and inflamed muscle in my shoulder. When I considered my options, I realized that even if the Specialist and Therapist would recommend surgery, it would mean that my career was at risk. At risk because the stupid bitch that is my boss would have more leverage not to extend my contract or make my employment permanent. Worse still, if I was indeed out of a job, who would want to hire me while I still was waiting for my shoulder to heal because of surgery? I would not be of any use to any prospective employers, at least in the short-term. With that train of thought going through my mind, I also realized that I might even be permanently downgraded to non-combat status when I am recalled by the Army. That possibility made me more depressed as I walked home from the hospital. Serving the Army is probably still the most meaningful thing that I can do in life. I was already fighting with my emotions because my eyes became teary.
When I put this situation into perspective, it was obvious that I should have paid more attention to my posture because the Therapist kept mentioning about my back; to my chagrin. That is beside the point. When I think about why I decided to keep quiet about my shoulder, I feel more depressed and frustrated, because my fellow soldiers and superiors were having the impression that I wanted to find an excuse to avoid the tough training. Earlier on, before I actually was enlisted, I did mentioned about my back to the Medical Officer who assessed my medical fitness when I went for the compulsory check-up. Of course my words did not have any weight, I was discharged by the Institute of Health because they deemed my back was fine when I was in secondary school. So unless I had the records, they assumed I was fine to be turned into a combat soldier. I assumed they knew what they were doing because they are the 'experts' after all. All that while as I did not realize the condition of my shoulder till the incident on the low ropes. It was the defining moment for my injury.
Maybe I should have sought help earlier, but I believed I was serving a higher purpose and doing something for the greater good. It made me proud that I could overcome many things to be a good soldier. I thought maybe people around me would appreciate what I do, so it was worth it. I thought life would be more meaningful as a result. Unfortunately that was never the case, because I am beginning to realize that even the Army thought and still thinks I am trying to avoid my responsibility. Even my boss, thinks so. Until now, other than my girlfriend, I have yet to see anyone who is close enough to me say: 'Najib, we are proud that you have sacrificed a lot for us and this country.' Maybe it is too much to expect that from my friends or parents; but at least if they can show me through their daily interactions with me that they do indeed appreciate what I have done; I might be a less angry and frustrated man. Maybe having this injury would feel less of a worthless sacrifice. Only a FEW know what truly happened to me in those years I was in the Army. NONE truly understand what I feel during those tough times. I doubt ANYONE would even bother to try, other than Farhanah.
If you think I am asking too much from others, so be it. ALL of you know I do not care. For once in your lives, be Najib, then decide. Maybe my life is not so tough, but it is not easy. I know everyone has their issues and problems. I respect that fact. For anyone who are mere aquaintences, I am not bothered by what kind of impression you have of me. For people who know me well enough, I expect better from EACH and EVERYONE of you.
When I put this situation into perspective, it was obvious that I should have paid more attention to my posture because the Therapist kept mentioning about my back; to my chagrin. That is beside the point. When I think about why I decided to keep quiet about my shoulder, I feel more depressed and frustrated, because my fellow soldiers and superiors were having the impression that I wanted to find an excuse to avoid the tough training. Earlier on, before I actually was enlisted, I did mentioned about my back to the Medical Officer who assessed my medical fitness when I went for the compulsory check-up. Of course my words did not have any weight, I was discharged by the Institute of Health because they deemed my back was fine when I was in secondary school. So unless I had the records, they assumed I was fine to be turned into a combat soldier. I assumed they knew what they were doing because they are the 'experts' after all. All that while as I did not realize the condition of my shoulder till the incident on the low ropes. It was the defining moment for my injury.
Maybe I should have sought help earlier, but I believed I was serving a higher purpose and doing something for the greater good. It made me proud that I could overcome many things to be a good soldier. I thought maybe people around me would appreciate what I do, so it was worth it. I thought life would be more meaningful as a result. Unfortunately that was never the case, because I am beginning to realize that even the Army thought and still thinks I am trying to avoid my responsibility. Even my boss, thinks so. Until now, other than my girlfriend, I have yet to see anyone who is close enough to me say: 'Najib, we are proud that you have sacrificed a lot for us and this country.' Maybe it is too much to expect that from my friends or parents; but at least if they can show me through their daily interactions with me that they do indeed appreciate what I have done; I might be a less angry and frustrated man. Maybe having this injury would feel less of a worthless sacrifice. Only a FEW know what truly happened to me in those years I was in the Army. NONE truly understand what I feel during those tough times. I doubt ANYONE would even bother to try, other than Farhanah.
If you think I am asking too much from others, so be it. ALL of you know I do not care. For once in your lives, be Najib, then decide. Maybe my life is not so tough, but it is not easy. I know everyone has their issues and problems. I respect that fact. For anyone who are mere aquaintences, I am not bothered by what kind of impression you have of me. For people who know me well enough, I expect better from EACH and EVERYONE of you.
Current Mood: 
disappointed
disappointed02 December 2008 @ 10:26 am
More than a week ago I was served with my very first SAF 264. No, it is not another version of the SAF 100, a letter informing about an impending ICT. The SAF 264 is the kind of letter you would receive if the Army wants to charge you for an offence. I do not know if this applies to major offences but fortunately/unfortunately mine was a minor offence. At the end of the fiasco, after going through the motions of meeting the Junior Discipline Officer (JDO), a NSman himself, I was only served with a warning and had my RT/VOLUNTARY IPT waived. It just makes me wonder why go through all this mess when all they wanted me to do was take my damned IPPT. All the worry about having to pay the fine ranging from $50 to $150 or even higher, was for nothing. The whole incident was a cause for worry because I am flat broke. Having to pay the fine meant I had to owe my dad more money. Anyways I am sure as you say I ought to be grateful it did not turn out for the worse. Well that is not my point here.
It is just sad the only organization that I give credit for having some of the best leaders I have worked with actually cannot recognise that I did not have any intention to "run away from the system" as the JDO had repeatedly warn me. I had stated clearly to him and the Medical Officer (MO) if you give me one full year of excuse from IPPT and I will gladly fulfill my NS obligations. Of course the JDO cannot do anything about it, the MO obviously could but the SAF Medical Board did not grant my request. Maybe they thought it was trying to "test the system".
During this whole fiasco, obviously I was not going to sit down and do nothing and be $50 poorer. I had enquire with many places and my immediate superior when I was in the Army. One thing was for sure after all those calls, a lot of people who supposedly know the procedures; know nuts about the question I asked them. Even the personnel I questioned at the place I was charged, was a little puzzled when I threw them the same question. As always they changed the story or just kept quiet. As for my immediate superior, one of the few men in the world I regard as a true leader, he did say he wanted to help but due to some reasons he did not. So much for people I believe in. So much for the ONLY organization I believe in.
It did not matter that the Army is not a perfect organization. I believe it because I have worked under some of the leaders when I was serving the Army which I have so much believe in it. I credit this organization for single-handedly creating the man that is typing this blog. Yet I am feeling disenchanted by this fiasco. It is bad enough that I have to work for a company that is a DISASTER waiting to happen. The Army had to waste valuable time and effort to charge me for a very minor offence when all it needed to do was let me heal my god forsaken shoulder. To think I actually put off reporting this injury because I did not want to be downgraded. The world needs to learn to value people who have lots of heart. Unfortunately this world has a long way to go before it learns that valuable lesson.
It is just sad the only organization that I give credit for having some of the best leaders I have worked with actually cannot recognise that I did not have any intention to "run away from the system" as the JDO had repeatedly warn me. I had stated clearly to him and the Medical Officer (MO) if you give me one full year of excuse from IPPT and I will gladly fulfill my NS obligations. Of course the JDO cannot do anything about it, the MO obviously could but the SAF Medical Board did not grant my request. Maybe they thought it was trying to "test the system".
During this whole fiasco, obviously I was not going to sit down and do nothing and be $50 poorer. I had enquire with many places and my immediate superior when I was in the Army. One thing was for sure after all those calls, a lot of people who supposedly know the procedures; know nuts about the question I asked them. Even the personnel I questioned at the place I was charged, was a little puzzled when I threw them the same question. As always they changed the story or just kept quiet. As for my immediate superior, one of the few men in the world I regard as a true leader, he did say he wanted to help but due to some reasons he did not. So much for people I believe in. So much for the ONLY organization I believe in.
It did not matter that the Army is not a perfect organization. I believe it because I have worked under some of the leaders when I was serving the Army which I have so much believe in it. I credit this organization for single-handedly creating the man that is typing this blog. Yet I am feeling disenchanted by this fiasco. It is bad enough that I have to work for a company that is a DISASTER waiting to happen. The Army had to waste valuable time and effort to charge me for a very minor offence when all it needed to do was let me heal my god forsaken shoulder. To think I actually put off reporting this injury because I did not want to be downgraded. The world needs to learn to value people who have lots of heart. Unfortunately this world has a long way to go before it learns that valuable lesson.
Current Mood: disappointed
disappointed10 November 2008 @ 10:06 am
Up to this point, this year can be considered one full of surprises. How the year kicked off is still fresh in my mind; drunk and out of sorts. It was bad enough I was carrying the emotional baggage of my previous years. Up till 1st January 2008, I had the added burden of another bad break-up. So I had my work cut out as the year wore on. Knowing how much of a surprise life can be, I was eager what would come up around the corner. As with the years before since I entered adulthood, things would always be tough. I need not say anymore about that. What surprises me the most about this year is the word, hope. I am aware that I have mentioned this word probably countless times but this year the word had a particularly special meaning. Early this year after so many false starts to possible relationships, I was starting to think that it would be another year where I would just drag through if not soldier on. That would all change when I met Farhanah. Again I was reintroduced to the concept of hope. The believe that things would turn out fine after all. Well I am not holding my breath yet but it feels good when things turns out the way you want it to be, even if it just a bit. As I have said before, I am grateful, because it has renewed my drive, will, determination and most importantly, my mental strength. Last week, Allah just showed me that there is still some hope left for this world, even if we are moving towards oblivion. Never in my life would I expect Americans to vote for a minority raced politician for president. I am sure any adult of voting age from any country in this world would not expect Obama to win. Yet he won. Considering how racist humankind can be, his victory was well earned. I admire his courage to challenge the status quo. Since I left the army, I have YET to meet a CIVILIAN whom I can respect as a leader. Surely not the management slaves at my workplace. But Obama did, even if this guy is not going to be a political leader in Singapore (too bad!) and even if we have yet to see whether he lives up to his campaign promises. From what I see, he at least fits my criteria of what a political leader should be. Most importantly because he won the election, he has just proven to me that there is always hope for change. Like I have said, this year is just full of surprises. Well actually any other year would have its own set of surprises. 2008 stands out because of two people, my girlfriend, Farhanah and Mr Obama, probably one of the best leaders I have met so far. 2008 is not done yet. I expect a few more surprises before 2009 shows itself.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative04 September 2008 @ 12:55 pm
As of 25 July 08, I was posted to 812 SIR. It would become my reservist unit. My appointment is still not known, although I can be either of these: Platoon Sergeant, Section Commander, GPMG Commander or Ops Specialist. Base on what my former DY Commander have said when I was still in NS, I would be a Platoon Sergeant because he wanted the specialists that worked under him to continue be under his command when we ORD. He would move on to become a Brigade Commander, which is why he informed us of his wish earlier on. Well, if I was designated as a Platoon Sergeant, it would be obvious that I have to go through the Platoon Sergeant Course. Like anything that is associated with the Army, it will be tough. It has been more than two years since I donned my full-battle order. It would be interesting to see how I would adjust myself to army life yet again. I miss the army and I cannot wait to walk the jungles again. This is only my form of escape. The only one that allows me to be who I am, by being in my true skin. Whatever my appointment, damn hell I am looking forward to it.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative18 August 2008 @ 01:32 pm
I have always regarded my life as a journey. I think most of us know what lies at the end of our journey; but lets not talk about that. Challenge after challenge, difficulty after difficulty. I learned many lessons willingly or unwillingly. Every now and then I would watch the skin flix I put up on my Friendster Profile. Every time it would be a tearful experience because it still represents how I feel. It was originally intended to make people who would like to know I am, understand me better. In a nutshell, it captured how I felt for now and maybe the distant future. I have always maintained that I would not forget what I have experienced in the Army, even if the memories are slowly fading and even as I assimilate into this unforgiving civilian world.
One of the things that I had learned the hard way is leadership. The Army really taught me what it truly meant. Now that I know what being a leader is all about, I actually do not like the idea. That is mainly because I am responsible for every outcome of my decision. For that reason always, I do not take leadership lightly. I used to see the perks of becoming a leader but now I only see what would result in failure to lead competently.
In the Army, I can easily name a few men I count as true leaders but in my current line of work, I would not even count any superior as my leader, for even a second. It does not matter if they are manager or engineer. I can only see their failure to become effective leaders. I only see their pathetic attempt to cover their asses whenever they can so that they can climb the corporate ladder that much quicker, get rated highly for their performance bonuses or just for the fact they do not want my vice-president to give them a good tongue wagging. People who know me well enough know I do not buy this kind of nonsense. I honestly do not have pride in my work.
Living in this civilian world I often feel like a soldier who returns home only to be overlooked as another civilian. Although I cannot deny that I did not serve in any conflict, I think the sacrifices I have made to become a soldier was a war in itself. That is why I often curse quietly to myself: I did not serve my country for nothing. The failure of those who are close to me, to understand the man that I am right now, is a bitter pill for me to swallow. Their failure to see the true shape of my heart often makes me feel almost left out.
A few weeks ago, I was having an argument with my theater boss. She regarded the punishment I have given to the actors I was training to be too harsh and "military-like". I have to admit I did ordered them to get down onto push-up positions but I did not ask them to do any push-ups. I was angry at her for saying that because I did not like civilians who assume they know that the military is about. More importantly she did not appreciate the fact that I was doing what was necessary to ensure that the actors would be ready for our performance. My boss and I have a close relationship because we are good friends. From there I assumed she knew what I was thinking, until of course that incident.
The whole incident only highlighted what I have always knew but quietly deny: they will never know how soldiers feel like. Things like this makes us feel like we are outcasts, the unwanted by-product of society. The world will always need soldiers because it is only young men who will go to wars. People like me who some have describe as "follow orders without question like dogs who listens to their master". Others will always take for granted that we are the ones who will be at the front lines, not them.
One of the things that I had learned the hard way is leadership. The Army really taught me what it truly meant. Now that I know what being a leader is all about, I actually do not like the idea. That is mainly because I am responsible for every outcome of my decision. For that reason always, I do not take leadership lightly. I used to see the perks of becoming a leader but now I only see what would result in failure to lead competently.
In the Army, I can easily name a few men I count as true leaders but in my current line of work, I would not even count any superior as my leader, for even a second. It does not matter if they are manager or engineer. I can only see their failure to become effective leaders. I only see their pathetic attempt to cover their asses whenever they can so that they can climb the corporate ladder that much quicker, get rated highly for their performance bonuses or just for the fact they do not want my vice-president to give them a good tongue wagging. People who know me well enough know I do not buy this kind of nonsense. I honestly do not have pride in my work.
Living in this civilian world I often feel like a soldier who returns home only to be overlooked as another civilian. Although I cannot deny that I did not serve in any conflict, I think the sacrifices I have made to become a soldier was a war in itself. That is why I often curse quietly to myself: I did not serve my country for nothing. The failure of those who are close to me, to understand the man that I am right now, is a bitter pill for me to swallow. Their failure to see the true shape of my heart often makes me feel almost left out.
A few weeks ago, I was having an argument with my theater boss. She regarded the punishment I have given to the actors I was training to be too harsh and "military-like". I have to admit I did ordered them to get down onto push-up positions but I did not ask them to do any push-ups. I was angry at her for saying that because I did not like civilians who assume they know that the military is about. More importantly she did not appreciate the fact that I was doing what was necessary to ensure that the actors would be ready for our performance. My boss and I have a close relationship because we are good friends. From there I assumed she knew what I was thinking, until of course that incident.
The whole incident only highlighted what I have always knew but quietly deny: they will never know how soldiers feel like. Things like this makes us feel like we are outcasts, the unwanted by-product of society. The world will always need soldiers because it is only young men who will go to wars. People like me who some have describe as "follow orders without question like dogs who listens to their master". Others will always take for granted that we are the ones who will be at the front lines, not them.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative07 August 2008 @ 01:19 pm
Leaving and returning to this country has always been an emotional event for me, irregardless it is for business or holiday purposes. I do not know why this is always the case for me. I bet not many people what I know actually understand why I put youtube video, 'Remember Me', on my friendster profile. It is a video about a soldier's homecoming and it explains why there is a need for a soldier to know that his loved ones remember him. Of course I know even fewer realise why this video would have any relation to me.
It can be said that my ORD date was the day that I truly came home. I believe this holds true to many of my friends who went through Army like I did. It is the day that we can truly say we can shed everything that was related to the Army and return to the life that we had before enlisting. Of course like I said before it is easier said than done. Other than myself I see very few guys who are so vocal and open about their struggle to assimilate back to their former civilian lives, while others choose to keep it to themselves. I admire those men. Whether they have truly assimilated back to civilian life or the fact that they are just pretending, only Allah knows. Either way, they deserve credit for it.
It has been more than two years since I was allowed to be a civilian once again. I still remember the days when I just enlisted. I told myself I would savour being a civilian once again and forget all this bullshit they call National Service. Of course that was before the training and everything that went with the Army. Many field exercises and live-firings later, I was a changed man. It it funny that I used to think that I was already a man when I reached the aged of 21. The fact that 21 is the minimum voting age in Singapore just serves to reinforce that thought. It was only after I finished my service, did I realise why they said the Army would make men of out boys. If listening to the sound of gunfire, exploding grenades and other pyrotechnics that the Army had did not affect you in any way, it is possible that you are not human at all. Because it did change me. Bundled with the generous amount of time my friends and I spent in the jungles of South East Asia, it turned us into almost totally different persons from who we used to be.
There I go again. Going on and on about things that I mentioned countless times. It does not surprise me that it has already bored some of you to the point that it is becoming meaningless, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. The fact that my time in the Army has practically overwrote the significance of the memories that had before I enlisted just proves how much of an impact the Army had made on me. It is not something I will forget anytime soon or even ever forget. Every time I open my wardrobe, I am filled with pride when I see the stripes on my 'smart 4'. Something that was earned literally with blood, sweat and tears. Other than the help I got from my platoon mates, no one was there to lend even a bit of emotional support. Maybe Yani did but I am sure you know what she did in the end. Basically it was all my own effort. Most importantly, I earned it because I dug deep inside myself so that I could muster the courage to face and overcome the mental block that I had. The mental block that has prevented me to fulfill my fullest potential. It was exceedingly difficult to do so. I was even surprised at myself that I could actually overcome it.
Behind everything I do, there is a reason. Often a compelling and strong reason. I dare say it is not my ego. I say I miss the Army not because I enjoy being an 'overly obedient government dog' or killing people. It is because it is the biggest turning point my life. Even with the challenges I face at work right now, nothing I have faced in the civilian world will ever come close to what I went through in the Army. Truly nothing will ever come close. Only Allah knows. Even as I write this words, the emotions and the memories are still fresh in my mind.
I have come home, but this is not the civilian world I left. Maybe I never knew how the real world is like, but I never thought soldiers would get this sort of reception. We do not care about getting a big 'thank you", just a sincere smile from people who are close to our hearts is often more than enough. It makes all the blood, sweat and tears seem worthwhile. At least we know we did not do all that for nothing. At least we know we changed because it is for the greater good. At least we know we made made the sacrifice because it is for the people we care about. We truly appreciate being seen as people who fought for their loved ones, not as 'mindless slaves'. Even if we are obligated to serve, most of us did it wholeheartedly. It is still a big sacrifice even if we did not do it sincerely. For that we deserved to be remembered.
It can be said that my ORD date was the day that I truly came home. I believe this holds true to many of my friends who went through Army like I did. It is the day that we can truly say we can shed everything that was related to the Army and return to the life that we had before enlisting. Of course like I said before it is easier said than done. Other than myself I see very few guys who are so vocal and open about their struggle to assimilate back to their former civilian lives, while others choose to keep it to themselves. I admire those men. Whether they have truly assimilated back to civilian life or the fact that they are just pretending, only Allah knows. Either way, they deserve credit for it.
It has been more than two years since I was allowed to be a civilian once again. I still remember the days when I just enlisted. I told myself I would savour being a civilian once again and forget all this bullshit they call National Service. Of course that was before the training and everything that went with the Army. Many field exercises and live-firings later, I was a changed man. It it funny that I used to think that I was already a man when I reached the aged of 21. The fact that 21 is the minimum voting age in Singapore just serves to reinforce that thought. It was only after I finished my service, did I realise why they said the Army would make men of out boys. If listening to the sound of gunfire, exploding grenades and other pyrotechnics that the Army had did not affect you in any way, it is possible that you are not human at all. Because it did change me. Bundled with the generous amount of time my friends and I spent in the jungles of South East Asia, it turned us into almost totally different persons from who we used to be.
There I go again. Going on and on about things that I mentioned countless times. It does not surprise me that it has already bored some of you to the point that it is becoming meaningless, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. The fact that my time in the Army has practically overwrote the significance of the memories that had before I enlisted just proves how much of an impact the Army had made on me. It is not something I will forget anytime soon or even ever forget. Every time I open my wardrobe, I am filled with pride when I see the stripes on my 'smart 4'. Something that was earned literally with blood, sweat and tears. Other than the help I got from my platoon mates, no one was there to lend even a bit of emotional support. Maybe Yani did but I am sure you know what she did in the end. Basically it was all my own effort. Most importantly, I earned it because I dug deep inside myself so that I could muster the courage to face and overcome the mental block that I had. The mental block that has prevented me to fulfill my fullest potential. It was exceedingly difficult to do so. I was even surprised at myself that I could actually overcome it.
Behind everything I do, there is a reason. Often a compelling and strong reason. I dare say it is not my ego. I say I miss the Army not because I enjoy being an 'overly obedient government dog' or killing people. It is because it is the biggest turning point my life. Even with the challenges I face at work right now, nothing I have faced in the civilian world will ever come close to what I went through in the Army. Truly nothing will ever come close. Only Allah knows. Even as I write this words, the emotions and the memories are still fresh in my mind.
I have come home, but this is not the civilian world I left. Maybe I never knew how the real world is like, but I never thought soldiers would get this sort of reception. We do not care about getting a big 'thank you", just a sincere smile from people who are close to our hearts is often more than enough. It makes all the blood, sweat and tears seem worthwhile. At least we know we did not do all that for nothing. At least we know we changed because it is for the greater good. At least we know we made made the sacrifice because it is for the people we care about. We truly appreciate being seen as people who fought for their loved ones, not as 'mindless slaves'. Even if we are obligated to serve, most of us did it wholeheartedly. It is still a big sacrifice even if we did not do it sincerely. For that we deserved to be remembered.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative02 August 2008 @ 10:25 pm
There is no mystery behind why my parents named me "Najib". I have looked up the meaning of the name before and it means "intelligent and noble". So I never really did asked my parents why they gave me that name because I like its meaning. Muslims believe that the name given to a child would represent their real character. And most of the time I see people actually living up to their name. Well I guess that is how the expression came about. Anyways, my pseudonym, avatar, nickname or alter ego, is of course given by myself. No one had any say in why I chose to call myself UberSoldat. Till now few only know why I call myself that and even fewer know what it means. That is because I do not tell any tom, dick or harry what it means. However today I will change that. Of course those who actually follow my blog would know the meaning of UberSoldat.
UberSoldat is a german word literally translated as Super-Soldier. I first heard of it when I played a First-Person-Shooter computer game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein. One of the characters was called Uber Soldat for obvious reasons. Still the name did not catch with me because I saw myself as "Xander", a nick I frequently used when I chatted on IRC. That only came about when I was enlisted because I was slowly but surely being turned into a soldier even if I still did not like that idea. But as you can see, I caught on with the Army and I realised I needed to find a new nickname because many things that had civilian connotations was steadily losing meaning including my old nick 'Xander'. After initally struggling with Army life and feeling rather 'lost', I started liking the Army, I decided it was time to call myself 'UberSoldat'. I am not exactly super in any sense but I know I had the determination to overcome anything. In my own right, that was a super fact. It was no mean feat that I got through it.
Calling myself that certainly had given many people the wrong idea about me. For many it was a no-brainer that soldat sounded like soldier so it most probably meant soldier. Hence the label 'Army Freak' as some would have given. I have even heard of others calling me wierd. As always, I do not give a damn about what anyone says, eventhough, it got to me intially when people who were close to me started to notice I had changed too much for them to handle. The change in my character was on a fundamental level. Most of the values I learnt before being enlisted was either thrown out or changed, although some were strengthened. My agressiveness often caught people by surprise and that ever serious look coupled with the 'thousand-yard-stare' did not make things easier for people to grasp the person that I was becoming. From my parents to my best friends to the girls I dated, UberSoldat Najib is a handful. Most thought that a tone-down in my character would be a miracle in itself. Sill I did manage to do so WITHOUT much help from people who I need the most. It does not help that I get labelled as a slave who follows orders without question even if it means sure death. Then again most people do not get to experience Army life, hence the Soldiering concept is something they will never fully understand even if soldiers like me explain it a thousand times.
All that does not matter now because I at least have one every important person to accept Najib is all his forms. Something even Ida, Shidah, Yani or Ain, could never do. They can never accept that. My Blood-Brothers also fall flat on that part. Something that is truly sad considering I actually know some of them for more than 15 years. I obviously cannot expect so much from my parents because they already have given so much. Having Farhanah understand is like being free of having to pretend that I am a civilian when almost my whole being is of a soldier. That is something I would truly treasure about her.
I offer no apologys to anyone about the person I am right now. It is of my own choice. If I can respect the choices you have made as a mature working adult, I am sure you would be able to return the favour. Being the person that I am at the moment was something I never planned or intended. Somehow it just happened. I am sure many of you know well enough that I always wanted to stay the same and change nothing about my life. Unfortunately, anything you plan in life will never go as intended because in the end it is Allah's call. If this clubbing, drinking and non-virgin Najib is too much for you to fathom, so be it. I am getting sick and tired of pretending. I do not need to prove anything to anyone. I have always given a 100% to anyone and everything I have done. It is all up to each and everyone of you to accept. I need not say who you are. You know who I am refering to. Take offence from these words if you want to, because I do not care.
The one person that I need in life has already made her presence known. The key person I need to carry on with life as I overcome this difficult period in my career and all the other challenges that will come my way. Still do not consider I am disowning the people who are close to me. I still need my family and friends. Consider it a wake-up call. Like what I used to say to uncooperative subordinates, 'Eh Hello! Can wake-up your fucking idea or not?!'. I still find it amazing that more than two years in the Army could undo what took more than 20 years to shape my being. All I can say is that is the Grace of Allah. Frankly I am glad I am the person I am right now because 'Xander' Najib would never be able to go through this. In Army talk that would be "He will fucking die!".
UberSoldat is a german word literally translated as Super-Soldier. I first heard of it when I played a First-Person-Shooter computer game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein. One of the characters was called Uber Soldat for obvious reasons. Still the name did not catch with me because I saw myself as "Xander", a nick I frequently used when I chatted on IRC. That only came about when I was enlisted because I was slowly but surely being turned into a soldier even if I still did not like that idea. But as you can see, I caught on with the Army and I realised I needed to find a new nickname because many things that had civilian connotations was steadily losing meaning including my old nick 'Xander'. After initally struggling with Army life and feeling rather 'lost', I started liking the Army, I decided it was time to call myself 'UberSoldat'. I am not exactly super in any sense but I know I had the determination to overcome anything. In my own right, that was a super fact. It was no mean feat that I got through it.
Calling myself that certainly had given many people the wrong idea about me. For many it was a no-brainer that soldat sounded like soldier so it most probably meant soldier. Hence the label 'Army Freak' as some would have given. I have even heard of others calling me wierd. As always, I do not give a damn about what anyone says, eventhough, it got to me intially when people who were close to me started to notice I had changed too much for them to handle. The change in my character was on a fundamental level. Most of the values I learnt before being enlisted was either thrown out or changed, although some were strengthened. My agressiveness often caught people by surprise and that ever serious look coupled with the 'thousand-yard-stare' did not make things easier for people to grasp the person that I was becoming. From my parents to my best friends to the girls I dated, UberSoldat Najib is a handful. Most thought that a tone-down in my character would be a miracle in itself. Sill I did manage to do so WITHOUT much help from people who I need the most. It does not help that I get labelled as a slave who follows orders without question even if it means sure death. Then again most people do not get to experience Army life, hence the Soldiering concept is something they will never fully understand even if soldiers like me explain it a thousand times.
All that does not matter now because I at least have one every important person to accept Najib is all his forms. Something even Ida, Shidah, Yani or Ain, could never do. They can never accept that. My Blood-Brothers also fall flat on that part. Something that is truly sad considering I actually know some of them for more than 15 years. I obviously cannot expect so much from my parents because they already have given so much. Having Farhanah understand is like being free of having to pretend that I am a civilian when almost my whole being is of a soldier. That is something I would truly treasure about her.
I offer no apologys to anyone about the person I am right now. It is of my own choice. If I can respect the choices you have made as a mature working adult, I am sure you would be able to return the favour. Being the person that I am at the moment was something I never planned or intended. Somehow it just happened. I am sure many of you know well enough that I always wanted to stay the same and change nothing about my life. Unfortunately, anything you plan in life will never go as intended because in the end it is Allah's call. If this clubbing, drinking and non-virgin Najib is too much for you to fathom, so be it. I am getting sick and tired of pretending. I do not need to prove anything to anyone. I have always given a 100% to anyone and everything I have done. It is all up to each and everyone of you to accept. I need not say who you are. You know who I am refering to. Take offence from these words if you want to, because I do not care.
The one person that I need in life has already made her presence known. The key person I need to carry on with life as I overcome this difficult period in my career and all the other challenges that will come my way. Still do not consider I am disowning the people who are close to me. I still need my family and friends. Consider it a wake-up call. Like what I used to say to uncooperative subordinates, 'Eh Hello! Can wake-up your fucking idea or not?!'. I still find it amazing that more than two years in the Army could undo what took more than 20 years to shape my being. All I can say is that is the Grace of Allah. Frankly I am glad I am the person I am right now because 'Xander' Najib would never be able to go through this. In Army talk that would be "He will fucking die!".
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative15 July 2008 @ 01:23 pm
I am beginning to see why I have Farhanah in my life now. Maybe Allah knows my work problems are beginning to be too much of a handful for me to handle and I need to have some peace of mind in having someone to support me as I venture further into the adult world. For an outspoken person like myself, I curiously follow orders without question while at work. That can attributed to my military training but it can also be said that I do not want to appear unable to tackle any challenges at work. But that is beside the point at this moment. Work is becoming frustrating place because of the seemingly lack of recognition from my superiors. I honestly do not care about awards but some simple recognition that I have been doing a lot this while would definitely suffice. Their failure to recognise my efforts have resulted in less than satisfactory payouts of my bonus and annual increment. What is more frustrating is the fact that I had served under the toughest disciplinarians in the Army and they DID NOT FAIL to notice the effort I put in. The results I produce may have not been up to scratch but at least my superiors in the Army know that I give my heart and soul to anything that I do. It stumps me when I realise that the civilian world was supposed to be a nicer place than the Army. Then again I cannot force people to believe in something they refuse to believe like how civilians will never recognise the sacrifices made by a soldier. They just will NEVER realise it no matter how much we talk about it. I am just thankful I at least have Farhanah to understand that important bit about myself.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative24 June 2008 @ 03:52 pm
As I continue with this new phase in my life, I learn again many things that have been long forgotten regarding relationships. I keep on stating true acceptance, yet I somehow forgot what it actually meant. I say that because I still find it somewhat unbelievable that I have found someone that actually truly accepted me for everything that I am. The lady that I am with actualy embraces my soldier-side. I was so touched when she said the memories will always be fresh in my mind because it is all inside my heart. She just quietly held onto my hand I reminisced about my army past. Her smile means so much to me. I know only time will only tell to what extent my newfound love does accept me, but it does not seem to be too far- fetched to say so. Everything just seems to fit into place. On top on that, the feeling is not euphoric but a much-awaited sense of relieve that one feels when everything seems to finally fall into place after a long struggle. At this moment, Allah only knows how glad I am. The journey has certainly been long and hard. Emotional crisis after emotional crisis. Always picking myself up again and again. The despair has led me to almost giving up on a few occasions. It was always a good thing to have really good friends in your hour-of-need. Now all I want to say is my life is complete.
Current Mood: 
grateful
grateful07 June 2008 @ 12:28 am
There is nothing more to say about my struggle to move on with my life. I have discussed about it countless times. Still I may never be able to fathom Allah's Grace because He has never failed me when I need Him the most. There is a saying that good things will come to those who wait. Unfortunately patience has never been one of my vitues; but my faith has never waivered. I always knew it was a matter of time before I would meet someone who would truly understand the man that I am. The soldier side and every facet of my personality; no matter how complicated it all may be. I am always glad that I am able to meet people who are ready to give advice about life and I would credit those people for helping me go through the rough patches in my life. At this moment I dare not say I have met someone who would become my wife but at least I would dare say this woman has about everything I wanted in a woman. Only time will tell if she can fulfil the tall task of being the woman behind this man. Too many before her have failed miserably therefore I would let time takes its course to see if she has the staying power to be my ideal partner. I will try to brace myself for any eventuality. All that said I always believed that the moment should be enjoyed while it lasts. And I am grateful to Allah for allowing me to meet someone truly special like Farhanah. Little did I know that a woman I met on mIRC would be my new girlfriend. While most of my friends would advice against meeting anyone from mIRC, let alone being their boyfriend; I was not about to ignore that option. Sometimes I wonder why I can still have hope when I have been dissapointed countless times before. Maybe it is just my character; but I know for sure it is the Will of God. I am glad that for the current positive turn of events in my life because it has given me a fundamentally strong reason for me to move on with my life. For once I did not have to fall back on my memories or hope that anyone of them would come back to me. Even as I write these words the sense of disbelief still exists within me and I am actually struggling to come to terms that I actually met someone that I could love and accept me truly for who I am. It did not matter that she was not the most attractive woman I have met, I know that she is honest and sincere; even if I have just met her. I was so touched when she said that I was her soldier. Never has someone said that. I was also glad that she was concerned about my emotional well-being. Actually I am feeling more relieved than estatic, the feeling that one gets when he blessed with something wonderful. Somehow I feel that the wait and struggling was all worth it. Like when I received my chevrons, all the blood, sweat and tears did not matter anymore. The life's lessons learned would always be valuable as I face the future with this truly special special whose name is Farhanah.
Current Mood: 
ecstatic
ecstatic20 May 2008 @ 01:14 pm
There are moments while I am clubbing that I suddenly realise that the dancefloor has become my world. That would be unthinkinable five years ago. Although I have come to accept the man I have become and learned to disregard what others think of me even if they are the ones who are close to me, I cannot help but ask myself if I have truly become a person that I once swore never to become. Even what I did when I was still in polytechnic could not measure to what I have done in the past few years, one of them being losing my virginity. Add drinking and smoking to it; and bingo; the change is almost complete. I say almost because I still believe I am still the same person I was before I was introduced to the mess of adult life. A close friend commented on my previous blog entry. She said that I should learn to 'love' again because I seem to have the tendency to measure other women's 'love' with the way Ida 'loved' me. Her comment does come as a surprise considering that I actually do believe have learned not to compare girls that I date with Ida. Maybe in some ways I still compare them to Ida. It is quite hillarious to think of Ida as the standard bearer for how women should love me. It makes me beg to differ when I think of the circumstances where she left me. One of the circumstances where I was facing the possibility of cancer. Another would be the time where I was serving my country. Two important turning points in my life and she was absent when I needed her the most. Still I can never forget many things about this woman. I can only put her in a special place in my heart; a last vestige of a once happy time in my life. I will continue to stubbornly hold on to those memories.
Current Mood: 
crushed
crushed28 April 2008 @ 12:47 pm
The recent episode of oversight on my part is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself struggling to come to terms with it. A girl that I was dating read the earlier blog and thought it was crap that I did not care about the money. Maybe I do care about the money but it hurts more that my sincerity and generousity was taken for granted. A close of mine had strongly advised me to take a hard stand on women who did not take me seriously. I always thought that was not neccessary but now I am beginning to think it is. I seriously hate to deny that there was not any truth to what he said. Women just cannot be trusted nowadays; especially those who have supposedly stable carrers. Women my friend would describe as "Ada Standard". He said women who worked in blue collared jobs actually are the ones who make better girlfriends and maybe wives; because they are the ones who are truly sincere. Practically everyone that I know keeps telling me to look for someone who has a good heart. I am starting to think that I failed to include that in my list. I am also starting to think that I place too much emphasis on attractiveness. I, myself, a victim of falling for looks instead of looking for the all important 'heart' factor. Maybe I am not as deep as I thought, but as shallow as any other player who looks for women to get a one-night stand.
Somehow to add insult to injury I have to deal with the internal conflicts that is happening with my performing arts group. It is as though I did not have enough on my mind. The whole situation has made me all furious and I cannot act rationally. Right now I just feel like 'killing' the kid who started this whole mess. Of course in the Army, I would know how to deal with these type of people. This is the civilian world; afterall; and I have to act professionally. That brings me to another issue. It makes me wonder if the world is meant to be screwed up and it is up to people like me who believe in doing the right thing to make everything right. It just sucks so much that so many people are starting to not believe in values and principles that should define the human race. It is just so damn fucking tiring. I hate all this bullshit crap thing called politics. Oh yeah, honesty is just a word. I forgot about that small little detail.
I wonder how long I can last being strong. I seriously feel like I just do not want to stop crying. The fruitlessness and pointlessness of everything is getting to me. I am a soldier at heart but then again I am human. I am human. I might just crumble one day.
Current Mood: crushed
crushed18 April 2008 @ 12:18 pm
When Nora came into my life more than seven years ago, I learned a painful lesson about blind faith. It was one of the many turning points in my life that defined the person that I am today. And right now, I have ignored that lesson learned from that episode in my life. At the end of it, I realised that I have undone the painstaking effort that I took to get on with my life. Losing a sum of money to this woman could not be compared to the emotional pain that I am feeling right now. I do not care about the money. It is just how things had turned out. It is just so depressing that the real world can be such a mean place. Sometimes doing the right thing does not have a place in this world. Being a nice guy means people are eager to take advantage of you. Worst of all, sincerity and honesty are merely words that represent virtues that fewer and fewer people are having.
It took a consisderable effort getting to where I am right now in spite of the setbacks that I have experienced. But none of them could have compared to what I had just went through; even if it was a three day affair. I am a man who lives by his principles and what happened just was not right in principle. Whatever I have said or did was all in vain. It did not matter to her that I was sincere about helping her. It did not matter to her that I had strong feelings for her. She just used all of it to her advantage so that she could be a few hundred dollars richer.
Right now, I am fighting hard to forgive myself for placing so much blind faith in her, making an uncalculated risk, making a misinformed decision. Like I said before, this is not the first time I am going through this. I should have saw this coming considering the loopholes that was so plainly obvious for me to see. I had to believe that everything that she said was true in a world where righteousness is dying by the minute and honesty is nothing but a word. Well, the damage has already been done. There is really no use talking about it. As always all I can do is get on with my life. What I need to do right now is to get myself out of this rut, before it starts to affect other aspects of my life.
Current Mood: crushed
crushed16 April 2008 @ 04:57 pm
I do not know if I have said this too soon but it does not matter. I am just putting what is happening to me right now into perspective. After what happened to me earlier yesterday, I had a small conversation with the Almighty, as I always do when I want to thank Allah. Like I said only time will tell if things will turn out well but I am just enjoying the moment while it last. What am I talking about? I am talking about falling in love. It has been a while since I was in a relationship. I had met a few women who showed potential but it did not work out. I have to admit it was tough going through life day to day as I have always reflected in my earlier blogs. Lately I decided to take things a step further by deciding to play harder. It made me forget how lonely I was or maybe I had finally learned to accept that being lonely is just part and parcel of life. Of course the strength to do so could only come from the Almighty. I am always grateful for that because it allows me to focus on other things in life that are important like my career. Still the latest twist of events begs me to ask myself if I had found someone that can finally make me a happy man. She sounds almost too good to be true. I hate that feeling; the feeling that I have something or someone that is good but somehow at the back of my head; I keep telling myself that she would ultimately drop the other shoe. That would mean I am back to reality. The reality that I am a long way from making my existence an all rounded one where I am happy. Well at least I do know that I am capable of getting myself of a depressed state and get on with my life. Like a soldier marching to his objective. That is what I will do.
Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative